www.womanthismonth.com 43 November 2012 | Carol Dweck, a social and developmental psychologist at Stanford University, conducted a research that indicated that such parents raise more motivated, and in turn, more successful children. Her experiments involve, for example, young children solving simple puzzles. Most did these tasks with little difficulty. The next part of the experiment involved Dr Dweck telling some of the children how clever, bright or capable they were. The result was that those children who were not told they’re smart were more motivated to tackle increasingly difficult puzzles. They also exhibited higher levels of confidence and showed greater overall progress in puzzle-solving. This may seem counterintuitive, but praising children’s talents and abilities seems to throw their confidence. Attempting more tricky puzzles carries the risk of losing their status as “amazing” and it deprives them from the thrill of choosing to work simply for its own sake, regardless of end result. The consequence is that reasonably supporting a child’s autonomy, and limiting interference, leads to better academic and emotional outcomes. In short, don’t over-praise. Let them grow up At a very practical level, this means that parents must not do things for children that they are capable or almost able of doing themselves. It should always be about the child’s needs. Some parents help their children or do tasks for them to satisfy their own needs, consciously or inadvertently. The main goal during ‘growing up’ is to develop a sense of self that is independent, confident and generally in accord with reality. If a baby is always carried even though it can actually walk, a carer diminishes their confidence and distorts reality. This is also the case when a child may, for example, be working on a creative project for their homework and a parent steps in to ‘help’ which involves re-writing or even re-designing the whole thing. Remember, it’s good to congratulate yourself when your child does something for themselves. You have done your job well. At times, the final result may not be quite what you wanted or expected. Yet, pointless intervention diminishes your child’s self-esteem and they can also feel angry at your prying. Finding the limit Isn’t it a parent’s job to help with those things that are just beyond your child’s reach? What defines over-parenting? In the early 1900s, following research and observation, Lev Vygotsky, an educational theorist, developed the concept of the zone of proximal development (ZPD) defined as the most difficult task a child can do independently and the most difficult task the child can do with help. In short, interaction with a teacher, more able classmate, parent or helper can benefit a child on the edge of learning a new concept. They provide a standing ground in the same way that a scaffold enables a decorator to reach the highest parts of a room that would otherwise be out of reach. To help understand what a child needs help with, it’s important to observe them and to tap into how they are feeling. Are they confused, inquisitive or frustrated? Asking open-ended questions are useful here. The difficult part is to know when you can step in with questions and ideas and when to leave your child to figure things out for themselves. How to be an authoritative parent: l Express warmth and nurturance l Listen to your children l Encourage independence l Place limits, consequences and expectations on their behaviour l Allow them to express opinions l Administer fair and consistent discipline l Encourage them to discuss options
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