44 | November 2012 www.womanthismonth.com Fall to rise The theory also involves accepting that it is fine to get things wrong and learn from mistakes. To get messy and to spill things in practical activities and to know that mistakes are normal, even for adults, is common sense after all. Standing back and allowing your child to make mistakes is one of the greatest challenges. It’s easier when they’re young — tolerating a stumbling toddler, reaching out your hand to ensure their safety, is far different from dealing with an upset pre-teen that made a wrong decision about, for example, trusting a friend. Of course, part of being a parent is minimising risk for your child emotionally and physically. Many say that they cannot “be with” seeing their child unhappy. Think back to sleepless nights when you refrained from running at their first whimpering. It’s hard and yet to rush in too quickly is detrimental all around. They need to develop coping strategies so that they can handle the inevitable challenging circumstances of life. Drawing the line There is a vital distinction between good and bad parental involvement. For example, a young child doesn’t want to sit and do their homework. There are some things that just have to be done and they need to understand that they just have to conform on occasions. Good parents insist on compliance when necessary, not because they need their child to be a perfect student, but because it is important to learn the fundamentals of life which include developing a good work ethic, in this case. Ask yourself on occasions where you use scaffolding and when you do their homework for them. Are you happy for your child to turn in their work with some errors or is it about you and how you feel about having mistakes on the page that the teacher will see? Remember what the theories above say. Children thrive with reliable, consistent and noninterfering help. To conclude, be clear about your own values while making sure their own life is fulfilling. Studies show that parents are more vulnerable to the excesses of over-parenting if they are unhappy themselves. It is important for children to be presented with a version of adult life that is attractive and worth striving for. As a parent, you must know your child well enough to make the distinction — can they manage a situation alone or do they need help? You also need to be brave enough to step back and let them make mistakes. Signs of over-parenting: l Watch-dogged kids: Unless your child is a spy of sorts, there is no reason to be tracking his/her every move. Excessive monitoring can cause feelings of hostility. l Extra extra-curricular activities: If you’re child looks like he/she could use a personal assistant to manage weekly schedules, there is a good chance there is a hovering “helicopter” parent to blame. l Piling on the praise: Continually claiming they’re smart makes kids avoid activities they don’t excel at in the fear of failure. Don’t cultivate narcissism. l Parental temper tantrums: Intra-parental competition is highly embarrassing for yourself and your children. Avoid ranting about their teachers and classmates on social media. Let them resolve their own conflicts. l Stubborn children: Nothing beats pampering that boomerangs. If you’re in your 50s and supporting your child, it’s time to cut the cord. Parenting
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