September 2016 www.womanthismonth.com 93 So, what can you do to help your child deal with a bully? Kids and teens look to their parents for protection and advice. Many think bullying will toughen kids up or that it’s a rite of passage. It used to be the case but we live in a different world today. There’s no easy or straightforward answer - the truth is, it’s complicated. The best way to handle a bullying situation is to assess it case by case. Each bully and each victim is different, coming from a different home environment with a different personality, different motives, emotional responses, etc. Having said that, there are several educated strategies you can utilise. My first advice would be to never stay silent. Speak out and encourage your children to do the same. Your child needs to understand that they have your full support along with the support of others. So, always report it to the school or to the police if it occurs outside the school. You can try going through the proper channels; however, take it directly to the principal if you have to by scheduling a faceto-face appointment. Secondly, document everything, collect evidence where you can find it. Be sure to tell exactly what happened - who was bullied, who the bully was, where and when it happened. Even if you suspect a kid is being bullied, it's a good idea to report that, too. Tell your child that if one adult doesn’t listen, tell another and another until someone does something to help. Obtain a copy of the school’s antibullying policy to determine if there’s a violation, so the bully is held accountable for their actions. Also, send an email to the principal recapping what actions have been agreed to stop the bullying. This will put the principal on the alert that you are watching for the agreed resolution to be honoured. Check in with your child periodically and keep the principal updated. Many of us fail to be consistent with this but it is important to remain persistent. The more seriously parents take it, the more seriously the school will take it. If the bullying continues or occurs outside of school, you may need to move up the chain of command, reporting it to the ministry or the police. Definitely file charges if you have to. The bully needs to see that the spotlight is on them, that they have a track record following them and that they’re walking on thin ice. Let the school know of any charges filed against the bully outside of school. Thirdly, teach your children to stand up for themselves. Many of us are taught to simply stay quiet or walk away. That may work in some cases because the bully wants to see an emotional and vulnerable reaction like fear or sadness; and if those reactions are not shown, they will lose interest and power. However, in many other cases, walking away or staying quiet can be misinterpreted as a sign of fear and weakness; they will continue to torment your child. So the bully will need to witness a different kind of reaction from your child; one that communicates, “I’m not scared of you, and I’m ready to do whatever it takes to defend myself and put you back in your place.” I always teach my children that we never start fights, but we will certainly finish them! Feel free to verbally defend yourself, as well as physically if someone tries to hurt you physically. And then report it! Never keep the pain of being bullied to yourself. Sometimes it takes walking right up to the bully, look them straight in the eyes, and give them a good come-back line, like “It’s funny how you really think I care”. Sit down with your children and brainstorm ways they could verbally respond, then role-play with them so they get comfortable with verbal self-defence. It’s also important to walk away after the comeback; that takes away from the bully’s power. Educate your kids about the etiology of bullying. It can be confusing to them because there’s a lot of different types of bullying behaviours, some overt and some covert, and those behaviours are driven by different reasons with various intents, under different circumstances, situations, and gateways. So one of the most empowering 'weapons' you can give to your child is education. Which means you have to become an expert on bullying yourself. Don’t simply pass on your inherited knowledge from your own parents. Our children live in a different world, one that consists of the physical and the cyber. When your kids understand the psychology behind the behaviour and what the bully’s weaknesses are, you remove the mystery behind the behaviour and they feel less intimidated. And therefore, they are more likely to stand up for themselves. It is also important to distinguish between boy-bullying and girl-bullying. Boys tend to be more overt and obvious, with loud verbal and physical aggression. Girl bullying is harder to detect as it is much more covert, with subtle, secretive, manipulative, calculated and inconspicuous behaviours. So handling boy bullies will require different strategies than the ones used to handle girl bullies. Your children should also know that bullies love to target loners. So encourage your children to socialise and make friends. Better yet, encourage them to be friends with someone they know is being bullied. Keep them company and include them in social circles or events. Sometimes physically standing side-by-side with the victim as an act of support will make the bully think twice. These are some of the strongest ways to minimise incidences of bullying. There are many books and websites dedicated to helping parents and victims of bullying. Do your research and always seek professional help if you feel you have tried everything with little progress. For further questions or support, email [email protected] or call 36 009-665.
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