September 2016 www.womanthismonth.com 92 PARENTING| issues bullies, both you and they need to understand the reasons behind bullying behaviour. The strongest influence lies in the home. Overly strict, abusive, neglectful or permissive parenting are all incentives for a child to either lash out at other kids or imitate such aggressive behaviours. Also at a higher risk for becoming bullies are children of parents who are either divorced, overly busy or tired or regularly under the influence of alcohol or drugs. Kids subject to these unpredictable and unstructured environments are insecure and use abusive behaviour to feel empowered and secure. They have not learned how to handle conflicts well. When bullies are asked to explain their behaviour, common replies include that it makes them feel stronger, they want to hang out with the cool crowd, they’re jealous, others bully them or they want to keep others from bullying them. However, bullying is a learned behaviour and can therefore be unlearned. Bullying - a reality every parent will have to deal with at some point. The truth is, bullying happens much more often than we think. And we, as parents, are sometimes conflicted about how to help our children get through these tough experiences, whether they are the victims of bullying or the ones doing the bullying. This month, we focus on what to do if your child is being bullied. Let’s first address a few important points that are crucial to appreciate: What exactly is bullying and what are its different forms? Bullying is when someone, quite often, stronger or 'more popular' hurts or scares another person repeatedly. The behaviour is intentional, premeditated and methodical, and it takes on several forms: Verbal Bullying includes name calling, teasing, public humiliation, spreading lies and rumours. Physical Bullying is the most obvious form of intimidation and includes kicking, hitting, biting, pinching, hair pulling, ganging-up on or plotting against another, being threatened or forced to do things and defacing one's property. Boys are more inclined to utilise such overt methods. Some of the most subtle and covert forms of bullying are emotional intimidation and social exclusion, often utilised by girls and very difficult to detect. Racial, sexual, and cyberbullying are other forms. Cyberbullying happens by use of the Internet, mobile phones or other cyber technology and deserves a focus all on its own. All forms of bullying aim to hurt, torment, threaten, harass, humiliate and embarrass the target. How can you tell if you child is being bullied, and what are its effects on your child? If your child comes home with unexplained cuts, bruises or scratches, damaged or missing belongings, then I recommend investigating. Some less obvious warning signs are if your child has few friends or spends excessive time alone, seems afraid of going to school, has Lamar Kanafani, the island’s first, and so far only, licensed marriage and family therapist, writes for WTM on the issues that concern mums. As the new school year begins, it’s important to know the signs if all is not well. lost interest in school work, performs less or if they appear sad, anxious, moody, have trouble sleeping or loss of appetite, experience low self-esteem and suicidal thoughts. Other signs, often assumed to be excuses to avoid school, are repeated complaints of physical ailments. It’s important to note that they may feel they have no one to turn to. My daughter once expressed that if the parent does not listen without judgment or show compassion, then kids will not confide in their parents. Additionally, if your child complains of their teacher picking on them, yelling a lot, threatening them or intimidating them to generate behavioural compliance, then this is an outright form of adult bullying and must not be taken lightly. You must never disregard the possibility that the bully is a teacher or coach and not another kid. In this case, your child will need your utmost support. Why do bullies bully? In order to help your child deal with their Beat the Bullies Lamar Kanafani
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