www.womanthismonth.com 61 November 2013 We told her that our house is a non-smoking zone and that they will not smoke inside the house. She seemed okay with our words. However, a few hours later she came to us with a piece of paper in her hand. It was a very tidy document, written very nicely with marker pens and at the bottom of the page she had clearly written the names of the three family members and left space above for dates and signatures. I was stunned. She had prepared a detailed ‘contract’ for our guests to sign. In the contract, she laid down the rules of their stay, which included no smoking inside the house nor in the garden (to respect our trees and flowers) and no smoking in the restaurants at our table even if it is a smoking table (to respect her). All our guests read and signed the contract without hesitation. During their stay, it was amazing to watch these adults get up and leave the table or walk out on the street outside to honour the terms of Amelia’s contract. I was amazed for several reasons. Firstly, it was the whole idea of a contract. We talk about rules and values at home, but we have never talked about using contracts when we design relationships. Secondly, she decided to take charge of a circumstance in a playful way that allowed her to claim her power as an 11-year-old. As a direct result, she was seen, heard, respected and followed. I share this with you because one of the biggest concepts of our parenting model is power and where it lies in the relationship. The more we keep the balance equal, the more she decides to take charge of her circumstances. This reassures me for her future and for her interactions in school. Of course I sometimes end up overpowering her and flipping it the other way too and I give too much power away. When I do, the question is “how do I recover from that and what are the consequences if I don’t”. (PS I received permission to share the story from my daughter.) How can you raise powerful children from a feeling of guilt or fear?
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