56 | June 2012 | woman this month Parenting The expectations One of the really fundamental things to consider is the expectations of your visitors. Perhaps it’s something they cannot afford to do very often, which often leads to them putting pressure on the trip being perfect. Wanting to make sure they have a good time at every stage can lead to weighty disappointments and frustration. So, have realistic expectations at the very beginning of the trip. Know from the start that as you all do not live together all the time, adjustments must be made. Decide on what you all want from the visit and think about how you want to be together. It won’t be easy for you, but also it won’t be easy for them as they are “guests” in their own child’s house. Fast forward your mind, if you can, to how you will feel 20 or 30 years from now, faced with the same situation and try to exercise some empathy as to the myriad of emotions your parents or in-laws may be facing. At the same time, remember their age is a factor. We cannot begin to imagine the emotions we will be encountering as we age. Grandparents have a stronger sense of mortality and quite often morality, whilst we remain oblivious. But to that end, their visits are precious for so many reasons, perhaps it’s the financial pressure of how often they can do this, or perhaps they have failing health, or have lost a partner and find travelling so far enormously daunting. Perhaps they are acutely aware of what they can no longer do. In short, think beyond your own agenda and consider theirs for a little while. When you try to stand in their shoes, you might just realise why these trips are so important to them. Reframe your point of view and try again. Stay calm When you find yourself confronted by an unwelcome opinion about your parenting skills, take a deep breath. Do not make the mistake of judging yourself by the things other people say. If you know you are doing a good job, then that is all that matters. Other people’s observations are just that. You can control how those words of criticism “land” on you and thus you can control how you act after receiving them. It’s easy to retaliate when you don’t completely understand or to launch into a long dialogue as to the background of the story and why you have reacted the way you have in disciplining your child, if they perhaps have suggested you were too strict or not strict enough. Whatever the story, don’t get attached to it. Reason with yourself logically. They couldn’t possibly know the elements that lead to that particular style of parenting — unless they had been sitting on your shoulder watching silently for all the months and years they were not present. So, of course their opinion is based on their limited knowledge. When you know that, let the comments roll off you like water off a duck’s back. Smile, and know that their comments come with the very best of intentions. Take what you want and need. Focus on the good Do your best to make the good time stand out. Build on positive memory making. People rarely forget a bad feeling and a horrible argument, but ask someone what was said? They can rarely recall it. It's sentiments and emotions that come back to us, not words and specifics. They will remember a kind gesture, a pat on the back of reassurance, a wonderful photograph. A few rash moments can permanently damage your relationships forever. Once they leave, resentments and things left unsaid due to time and distance can stick! Imagine it this way. If you were in the same vicinity as each other, or even in the same country, and words were exchanged; you can usually make it up to them the next weekend. So, be imaginative and find ways to make amends while they are still there. Re-build bridges almost immediately, if you can. We all need to remember that time is a precious commodity. Youth passes in a flash, childhoods are gone before we blink, and grandparents are not around forever. Cherish those moments, all of them.
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