55 woman this month | June 2012 | One of the many challenges that you will face, which is never mentioned in the directory of “parenting hurdles”, is the one navigating the dynamics of the relationships between you, your parents and your in-laws. Love them, loathe them or just tolerate them, they are an essential part of your family. And whilst many people chose their partner, in-laws cannot be selected so easily. From the moment you marry, you are forever connected to them, as part of an extended “boil in the bag” family. You have been thrown together, but with what results? Suddenly spending special holidays, weekends and celebrations with total strangers whom you must instantly find common ground with and love can be very difficult. Developing effective strategies for doing this and actually enjoying it are vital for survival. Back in the day of your first rush of love, in-laws did not seem remotely relevant. The connection with your partner was the only important thing. It was you and him against the world, as you saw the possibility of a lifetime together mapped out before you. Then, as weeks and months passed, they took on a magical quality. Meeting the parents was all about making the best impressions possible. For most, this stage is about making a connection and about wanting to fit in and be liked. It’s hard to imagine, at that moment, that relationships might become difficult as years pass. However, managing the expectations of our own parents and those of our partners, as they grow older and children arrive, can be fraught with anxiety. Living overseas as expats can make issues between families doubly difficult, as we see our parents and in-laws for more extended periods of time than perhaps we would have if we lived in our native countries. An overnight visit becomes one week, two, three or even a month. As wonderful as their visits are, visitors are a little like fish. The initial euphoria has waned, the children’s excitement has dimmed and it’s down to you with your ever busy lives to incorporate “tour guide” into your list of long parental duties. Not only that, but no one can shut the front door at the end of the evening and say “phew”. As your in-laws stay with you, you will be constantly on duty for the entire period of their visit, feeling a sense of obligation to be a perfect Martha Stewart or Alan Wicker. Among local families, some women speak of pressure exerted over the “weaker” young mothers, whilst others laud the support that extended families provide. The situation is different for everyone. You may feel that your life is under the microscope, in-laws projecting a sense of “we didn’t do it like that”. Your own parents or your in-laws can feel that, despite you being the parent, you still need parenting yourself. From the way you keep the fridge, to the way you discipline your child. Maybe this is helpful and insightful sometimes — it can be a happily received wake-up call — but at other times it can feel stressful and unfair. There are some simple strategies to help you make sense of family visits and which help to ensure you get the best out of them.
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