www.womanthismonth.com 49 December 2012 | If there was one area that parent after parent feels they could do better at, if coaches were limited to advising just one thing about their services, just one area that clients can work at and to improve, it would be listening. Becoming a better listener can also make you a better parent. It’s not that, as a parent, you don’t listen. Of course you do. One of the problems is that children want you to listen straight away when it counts, when it’s relevant. This is ideal of course and if you don’t, the moment can pass. The problem is that you have phone calls to make, shopping to do, meetings to attend, and children’s activities and play dates to organise! And so there are times that you don’t listen well. You are human and not alone. What this means is that you don’t listen in a way that will improve your relationships, results, family life, effectiveness and yourself. Quite often you may listen to get by in survival mode. It’s no surprise as you are bombarded by constant sounds, needs and interruptions all day, every day. The main thing to remember is that you don’t need to beat yourself up about it. Read on, to pick up some tips about becoming a better listener for your children, as well as gaining a deeper understanding of listening as well. So, you are bombarded with sounds constantly. Many of these sounds are selfinflicted. You may sleep with your phone next to your bed (many people do), awaken to a clock radio, have TVs on as background noise, air-conditioning and the noise of the fish tank. You listen to the news as you drive, and set your phones to notify you whenever someone sends you a message. On the other side, with so many teenagers and children even younger having their own mobile phones and other devices, messages are constantly beeping for them as well. Receiving a message every 30 seconds throughout the day is not an exaggeration. People expect instant answers, too! Ever felt compelled to reply to messages that are not important or urgent instead of listening to your child? Amidst all this disharmony, you have developed coping strategies, skills as well as some survival methods such as selective listening. However, the problems arise if you fail to ‘turn off’ selective listening when it really matters to your child. You have a choice in how deeply you listen. Below is a very useful and straightforward overview of one model that explains the different levels of listening. It is inspired by the authors of Co-Active Coaching. Surface listening Recall a time spent inside an airport terminal, waiting for a train or in a long supermarket queue. How do you listen to the repeated message on the speaker system that tells you that baggage left unattended will be confiscated and cars left unattended will be towed away? Most likely, you barely even hear it. You may have zoned out because you are waiting to find out which gate or platform you need to move towards or you may be searching for a toilet or a snack counter. This type of listening is about you. You may be multi-tasking, sending messages or reading at the same time. You hear the message on the loudspeaker but it doesn’t gain much of your attention. Nor should it! You have many other things that require a deeper focus. It’s the same in a meeting when someone is talking for too long. Surface listening is about you,your needs and your thoughts. You may run into trouble when you listen to your children in this manner. You hear but you don’t grasp the full meaning. Nuance is lost. And what is it like to be on the receiving end of this? How do you feel when someone listens to you at this level? Unfortunately, the people closest to you are likely to encounter you in this level at some stage of the day. Spiked attention listening Think about that same loudspeaker in the airport. What if you hear your name called or you hear your flight has a gate change? We listen at a surface level until something provokes our interest. When listening to your children at this level, you hear things from their perspective; it’s more about them than you. We hear more than we do at level one, but we still don’t grasp all meaning.
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